Where it all began

I have been journaling since bright colored diary's were cool with the tiny lock and key. Is Lisa Frank still a thing? I know unicorns have made a comeback. If you don't know me I will fill you in that I have always been extremely quiet having very little to say with a soft spoken voice that you have to lean in to listen to; however, when I do speak I am listened to and it could quite possibly be because of the shock factor that I have opened my mouth. I love to listen. I love to watch you when you speak, I love to hear your heart in the moment while you are speaking, and I love to talk to God while you talk to me and hear His heart for you. So in order to process, I write. I have known I am a story teller however I have had this stirring passion to song write for what feels like eternity. Do you know anyone who has said, "I know I am a songwriter but I have no songs." ? Yup, I said it however I knew deep down my songs were my unwritten story. In November 2017 I reached out to Darin Rex a local artist/producer to help me write my story in song. I didn't know Darin very well but I am just as real as it gets and speak honesty and I said very honestly I want to make a record but I have no songs. (In my defense, I had two pretty solid ideas that were started) He even has a voicemail saved of me and my insecure little voice saying I want to move forward with this album and as annoying as it is to listen to I have to admit that it's a beautiful reminder of how much I have grown even in the last six months.

And so the journey of my album 'Yes I Can' began. I walked into his studio nervous as nervous could be with my tablet and pen in hand. Yes, I still write on paper and napkins and sticky notes and tablecloths. There is just something extremely special putting a pen to paper, for me. I don't think I shared my idea of the song Come Away right away. Darin had some songs started and gave me a listen and I immediately knew those songs needed to be on the album. When the time came for him to want to hear what I had started I wanted to runaway right then. It is a vulnerable place to be sharing your your lyrics to someone else let alone someone with such a strong gift of songwriting. I wanted to crawl in a hole I really did. Insecurity and fear are quite the life killers but I pushed through and started reading what I had written down from a moment in 2014 where I just needed to process. I remember sitting upstairs in what I call my worship/prayer room. I was reading Song of Solomon feeling so inspired for love yet feeling so ready to once again give up on it. I married my high school sweetheart in 2002 when we were just kids. Two people becoming one is not an easy thing. When you beg God to change your spouse I hate to break it to you but He changes you instead. He will reveal your pride, your selfishness, your weaknesses, etc instead of miraculously making your spouse your idea of perfection. King Solomon and the Shulamite woman were so in love and this book of the bible gets very intense. In Chapter 3 the young woman was waiting and yearning for her lover but he didn't come so she started searching for him and this is the place I felt I was at in our marriage. I felt like I was waiting for my husband to just wake up and realize how much of a bonehead he is (because of course I am the perfect wife) *cough cough*. I was waiting for him to have a strong encounter with God and everything just be wonderful again like in the beginning. I was waiting for him to come in that stretch limo with rose in hand like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman and come climb the stairs to get to me even though he was afraid of heights because that, my friends, is love right? So this is where the lyric 'I look into your eyes but I can't see you' came. We felt like strangers living in the same house. I felt like I didn't even know him and I know he felt the same about me. I found myself questioning so many times how we got to this place? How did we let the passion die? Why did we? How do we fix this? We keep going around the same mountain acknowledging we must change but then hitting the same wall over and over. I felt like the wind was being knocked out of me but I kept writing and processing. I knew I wanted to keep fighting for love. I knew God wanted me to keep fighting. So right then I made a decision to wait and keep waiting and keep searching and keep knocking and keep finding. Whatever that looked like whatever that took no matter how difficult it was and even if I found myself at the end of the cliff ready to jump over and over again. This is where the watchmen enter the scene not only in Song of Songs but also in my personal life. The Shulamite woman runs out for the one her soul loves and the watchman stop her so she asks them if they have seen him. Who are the watchmen? In Israel in that time they were the ones overlooking the fields especially in times of harvest. They would watch out for animals and thieves. They also would survey the scene outside in case of a threat. If threat appeared they would shut the gates and prepare for battle. Shortly after the watchmen leave she finds the one her soul loves. Who are the watchmen in my life? Intercessors, my church family, my close friends and family. I am surrounded by prayer warriors and lovers of Jesus who have kept me accountable and kept me fighting for love and fought for us when we had no strength left to fight. I have been wooed by God to come away with Him and let Him teach me to be the wife my husband needs. Have I obeyed every time? Nope. In fact many times I have been angry, bitter, resentful, and have separated myself from everyone including God however God in His unconditional sweet love stays close and keeps wooing and keeps breaking the shackles I have locked around myself but only when I let Him. (Good 'ol free will ) He keeps rekindling passion and He keeps reminding me that He is God and I am not.(Praise Him for that one!!)

If you find yourself in a dry place, if you feel like you are the only one fighting, if you feel worthless and not worth fighting for I am here to tell you to press into God like you have never pressed into Him before. Let Him be your lover, let Him be your knight and shining armor, let Him be your hero. Let Him change you first. Let passion stir again because it can. Think on those moments love was so strong and so beautiful and imagine it even better than ever because it's possible. If you are in a place where you have given up or been given up on please don't let that stop you from finding it again. Don't let fear rule.

Come Away

Let nothing pull you apart from love.

Nothing.