Dear John,

You left before I got to say goodbye and that crushed me. I didn't get to visit sooner because I'm too busy for you. Now I can't find the picture of us that captures the relationship we once had and I long to see it. I long to see it not just in my memories but in my hands looking at it visibly proving that it existed and it wasn't just made up in my head. Why did you have to leave? Yes, yesterday you left for good but if we are honest with each other you left years ago. I looked forward to seeing you light up when I walked into your room yet at the same time it killed me to see you sitting there confined to that room with your head down and eyes closed most of the time. We were not meant to live life with our heads down and eyes closed, John. Life was stolen from you and that makes me angry. I did not enjoy seeing you like that and if I'm honest it kept me away. You see I like to run away and not face things head on and although I have been working on that weakness in me I didn't conquer it soon enough. Soon enough to just swallow my pride and sit with you more.

In the awkward silence.

Watching you with your head down.

You had the best smile and the brightest eyes.

You had the best laugh.

I loved your laugh.

I wanna hear you laugh again.

You stopped coming to breakfast with me and dad and that hurt. I didn't tell you how much it hurt because I know it hurt you even more.

You worked damn hard and had a heart of gold along with living an incredible life of integrity.

You raised some incredible men one of them I have the honor of calling my dad.

You were selfless.

Oh so selfless.

You took such precious care of your beloved Betty when she was sick and I watched you but I ran then too. I hate suffering, I hate sickness, I hate pain. I'm learning though. I'm learning to embrace it, ask hard questions, face it, and maybe learn from it.

You then took care of your mom but I had the honor of somewhat taking care of you for a few years.

I cherish those years beside you.

Laughing.

Cooking for you.

Watching you mow the grass.

Thank you.

Is it wrong to be relieved your gone?

No longer sitting with your head down.

but smiling

laughing

standing with your head held high.

I love you, grandpa John.