2020 has to be different
It's the day after Christmas and I just got home from work. It honestly took every bit of strength in me to get to work today and not call off. So here I am I just fed the dogs, filled the woodstove, and heated up a plate of leftovers that my mom sent home with me. She knew the husband was going to be away at hunting camp so I'm set for all weekend and to be honest I've been looking forward to these leftovers all day. I got the plate of food just to the right kind of edible hot and as I sat down to enjoy a bite I hear a dog yacking so of course I jump out of my chair to get her outside because I am just not in the mood to clean up vomit right before I eat. Who am I kidding I am never in the mood to clean up dog vomit.
So here I sit eating my food with nothing to do with my mind because I am taking a break from social media. Today is the fourth day and I am embarrassed to say this has been challenging. I realized I had to log out of all my apps and turn off all notifications because I peeked the other day and responded to a few posts. I did leave up facebook messenger because I have a close friend I text however I think I am just going to have to temporarily disable my account if I am serious about this break.
Not posting to instagram stories has been the absolute hardest.
Why am I taking a break?
I HAVE to hear the voice of God without distraction and I need inner healing! I can't live 2020 like 2019 in fact 2020 absolutely HAS to be different!! It has to! I have to be different! 2019 was hell and you can tell me I am being dramatic all you want I have told myself this plenty of times. You can tell me to count my blessings and write down what I am thankful for because that is the Christian thing to do and I will. Actually I have. I am the 'YES I CAN' girl! I am the one that says,
"Don't Give up!"
"Yes You Can!"
blah blah yea even I want to punch myself in the face sometimes!
Sometimes you need to be aware that you are not ok.
Sometimes you can't just brush off your feelings!
Sometimes you need to be aware that the anxiety you are feeling, the heaviness, the depression, the angry outbursts that do not seem like yourself are a cry for help. It's your heart saying pay attention you need to address some root issues here!
I am at that point.
Actually funny thing is is that I prayed for this. I have cried out those "Lord, rid me of anything that is not of you" prayers.
Well, this is painful and extremely uncomfortable!
Killing the flesh is not fun.
So to add to the discomfort I am taking a break from social media as a first step because I know I use it to escape reality and stay distracted just like I did when I went to alcohol.
I hide behind my Christian mask sometimes but truth is I am just trying to figure this thing out like everyone else. On social media you get to see the loving me, the cheerful me, the encourager me, you don't get to see the wrestle I have to not grab the whiskey bottle to just numb the pain I feel or the angry outbursts screaming the F word among other hateful unwholesome talk at my husband in a really heated moment.
We almost divorced this year after 17 years.
If you follow my story at all you know we have had a challenging marriage and I have felt the call to just be open about it but this year felt closest yet. I stared death to a dream in the face. I flirted with hell and enjoyed it.
My next step is finding a good counselor. Yes, Jesus is the ultimate counselor but I need to deal with junk and stop stuffing it away only to eventually experience it resurfacing worse each time around.
Truth is I really love Jesus but not with my whole heart.
What is hard for me to comprehend is that no matter how often I mess up He is right there waiting with arms wide open just wanting to hold me. Just wanting to love the fear out of me, to heal my broken heart, and restore everything that's been lost. He will not reject me no matter how rejected I have been in this world or how much I reject Him. He is the only constant I have yet I push Him away.
I am afraid of His love.
I have so many walls up to protect me from getting hurt that I have no idea how to receive it.
How did He surrender His life?
How does He love even those who reject Him?
I need to know!
I desire to be like Him!
I desire to love Him with my whole heart!
I need Him as healer.
I need Him as restorer.
I need to see beauty for those ashes.
I need peace.
I think we need a miracle.
I still believe it's true.