Are you ready to die?

Yea, the title of this blog post may seem morbid depending on your perspective but it's the question stirring for me this week. Also, I am warning you I am uncertain the direction this post may take so you may want to buckle up for this ride.

Special Note: Check out my song 'Pharisee' if you tend to walk on the judgmental side of life. I am determined to stay very real and very vulnerable with my audience. You may get a different side of me by the time this post is over.

We shall see...

Mask is off!!

So tonight we experienced our oldest dog, Riley have two back to back seizures. It is awful to watch her go through however watching my husband watch her having them for the first time may have been worse for me. Just for the record I usually have him read my posts before I publish them however sorry babe I am exposing your not so tough guy moment. Looking into his eyes and seeing concern and helplessness while I held Riley singing and praying was not fun. Having absolute no control over what her body is going through and feeling completely helpless is the pits. After she came out of it like nothing happened and we tried to move on in our evening feeling the weight of heavy fear worried it would happen again, I grabbed a glass of wine. Now if you follow my story at all you know I wrote a song called 'Bottle' and the chorus goes a little like "Don't let your heart be troubled. You're looking through the end of your bottle. I've got something you can coddle. Put it down."

So am I now a hypocrite? Haven't we all been at some point in our lives? I am here to say again we are all on this journey failing some and succeeding some. Hopefully succeeding more and always improving and drawing closer to Jesus. I actually talked to God while pouring. I feel like He gave me an opportunity to stop and I feel like He told me I still need to allow myself to feel instead of stuffing it away and ignoring it. As Christians we hold onto the verse about God not giving us a spirit of fear but I think I am learning that I command fear to go so quickly thinking it's always a demonic spirit instead of just allowing myself to acknowledge what emotion I feel in that moment. In that moment a bit ago I was scared. It's not a sin to be scared it's an emotion that happens when you feel threatened. What was the threat? The pain of loosing someone very dear to me. We do not have human children our dogs are our children. This night was painful and I just wanted to relax so I chose the glass of wine as a quick fix instead of facing the pain.

The pain of tonight was piled on top of the pain of yesterday and the day before that and anything I have not dealt with. So I've been in customer service for almost eighteen years (yea no singing is unfortunately not my full time gig YET) and I do have thicker skin than most would think I do. I am not always that quiet reserved girl you may see. I have been called every name in the book, my job capability criticized, the president was called at home about me once (I charged the customer for something they typically didn't get charged for), I've had minor things thrown at me, doors slammed and broken, and even threats but nothing like yesterday. That's why the question has been stirring,

"Am I ready to die?"

We are not promised tomorrow however I think most of us still somewhat dream of a bright future. We dream of romantic evenings, marriage, children, houses, careers, grandchildren, etc. We don't expect or even truly plan for the suddenly moments.

Sudden seizure

sudden cancer report

sudden divorce

sudden accident

sudden death

I am not speaking these into your life or trying to cause you fear to think about them but reality is we deal with these suddenly moments. On the flip side some really great suddenly breakthrough moments can happen too.

So what are you doing with your time? Are you living your life angry? Unhappy? How do you treat others? How do you treat yourself? Will anyone be at your funeral or are you treating others like the shit on the bottom of your shoe? How did you treat that lady (or man) behind the counter today who was in no way responsible for your situation but was trying to help you get a resolve? Did you stop to question what they may be going through? Probably not because you were so stuck on your fucking self.

Yea I said it and I love Jesus too but some of you are so religious you will now question how much I truly do love Jesus. I must be a Jezebel. Yea, I do the same thing. In fact I think everyone is a false prophet these days.

Fake. Fraud.

Yup.

Trust issues much?