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I desire to heal

It is no secret that I have quite the reputation of rollercoaster dieting. I feel like I have tried every diet created and I am awakened that it has ruined my view of food. Keto makes me scared of fruit, cholesterol kept me from eggs, do I eat whole grains, gluten free, or what the french toast? Wait! Don't eat french toast bread is evil. So I throw in the towel and eat whatever I want leading to sluggishness, brain fog, bloat, more weight, and the cycle continues.

I have always hidden under long sleeves and jeans. I would like to say modesty has kept me from short shorts and sundresses however although it may be somewhat true I think more so it's just a poor self body image. I remember vividly the first time I was made fun of in a bathing suit. I am guessing I was maybe ten and it was at church camp by the kid I had a crush on. If you wore a two piece you had to wear a t-shirt over top and even though I wore a one piece I still wore a t-shirt because I was self concious. The kid laid in on me making fun of me around another group of kids and I was crushed. I was always taught that if a boy made fun of me it was because he liked me. Ummm I need to move on because I am fuming thinking about it.

As I make myself drink more water and less sugary iced coffee on yet another attempt at loosing unwanted weight I ask myself have I ever loved my own body? Why am I trying to loose weight again? To be truthful an upcoming project being on camera has pushed me harder. So yet again it's fear of man's opinion and my own shame of body image driving me. I mean come on we all know we say it, "Man has he/she gained weight." I think a part of us smiles inside to make us feel better about ourselves that someone else is struggling.

So I will go on this journey yet again of striving and it will never be enough because my own standard is unreachable. Even at a size 2 (wedding 17 yrs ago) I wasn't happy. I will never be thin enough, tan enough, or blonde enough. What is at the root of my failed attempts? If I strive for man's approval it leaves me empty. If I don't get to the root of the cycle then I will just fail everytime I am triggered.

So how about instead of entering this journey of striving and always failing why don't I enter a journey of healing instead? Healing from the hurts, forgiving those who let me down, forgiving myself, learning my triggers, and coming up with a plan of action for when they come. How about I heal from my view of food as well and learn to see it as fuel to keep me moving forward instead of the enemy keeping me in bondage. Maybe just maybe a lot of us with food issues, body image issues, etc are still dealing with the rejected kid within from years ago.

I am ready to heal are you?

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