I Will Keep Waiting
I am so ready to take back control of my fitness and nutrition and I just completed an intro video series of a program I decided to start. As I watched a get to know your instructor video the flood gates of my soul opened as she said "what else can you feel other than joy when all of your dreams come true?."
This is a deep longing. A deep deep longing that I haven't quite experienced fully.
Dreams coming true.
I've experienced glimpses but I'm not there yet. I've pushed myself to enjoy my journey, to be present, to not get caught up in the bigger picture I sometimes see, to just be grateful.
Can I be honest?
I believe I wept this morning out of a place in my heart that has experienced hope deferred for a long time. Out of a place that I keep brushing off. A place I ignore because as a Christian I should feel so blessed and appreciate so much and I shouldn't waste time feeling what I feel.
What is it that I feel?
That maybe I've chased something and wasted so much time believing. Maybe it's time to come down from the clouds and accept a reality that makes more sense. To come into agreement with those around me who have told me it won't happen or I was foolish for believing singing could be a career. I'm not even sure I see it as the career I once had in the past. The industry keeps changing and I don't desire a life of traveling for gigs and selling albums and t-shirts but what I do see is a missionary life in a prayer room in my home town. I desire to sit at the keyboard and sing to God everyday. Some call it the Anna calling. Anna was a prophet who never left the temple but stayed there day and night worshiping God with fasting and prayer. She talked about the child coming (Jesus) to everyone who was waiting expectantly for God to rescue Jerusalem. For about eight years now I have desired to quit my job and sing in our church's prayer room daily. Probably sounds foolish to the world but it's my heart's desire. The presence of God is like nothing else. It's more precious than gold. It's the most peaceful atmosphere. I long for our community to experience Him. I long to usher in the second coming of Christ.
He is coming back for a pure and spotless bride.
This year in 2020 I quit my job to take another job that will allow me to spend more time in the prayer room. Not daily, but to be able to be there more than just the once every 5th Monday I commit to now. I'm not ready to come down from the clouds yet. When I allow myself to feel the emotion of hope deferred, to feel the discouragement of waiting, to grieve a reality that isn't yet but I know is possible...
I can't explain it but I am stirred to believe a little longer.
I'm stirred to hope that dreams do come true. That this isn't some dumb childish unreachable reality. That this was planted in me from God and if I truly listen to His direction it will happen.
I will keep waiting.